Seminary life

This is going to be a very short entry - life here is so incredibly busy that it's hard to find the time to check my emails, let alone update my blog...

I've started my new job as a pastoral assistent for my home diocese two weeks ago and so far it's turning out SO MUCH BETTER than I ever imagined. My collegues are wonderful people, our teachers are brilliant (at least those whom I've met so far) and our courses so far have been incredibly enlightening, interesting and inspiring. I thoroughly enjoy praying the office in a group three and sometimes even four times a day, our discussions are very deep and honest and even the fact that I haven't even got enough free time to get enough sleep can't diminuish my enthusiasm.

I'm having such a blessed time - thanks be to God!

Head and Heart

Over the past week I have been listening to this beautiful song over and over again and I feel like it has become something like a prayer for me. This is what I yearn for, this peace which is just flowing in soft and calm waves; which is untroubled by anything - not because there is nothing to trouble it but because it is strong and big enough to take any troublesome intruder and immerse it into its calm and peace.

I have had to make some difficult decisions lately and I'm not sure I made the right ones.
I decided to stay in Germany and start my new job even though my heart is in Leeds and I would do anything to be able to go back there. But jobs are hard to get by and being a theologian makes the job hunt even harder.

Today I signed the contracts for my new flat and this somewhat brought it home that I'm not going back to Leeds any time soon. I feel like I finalised my fate, like I chose my own death. I know I sound pathetic... But everything inside me screams that this is wrong, that I should not be here. It is ripping my heart out to read about my friends in Leeds on facebook, and I try not to think about it, but at night my demons come back out into the open and I cry.

I know homesickness is one thing, and I know that I don't have to stay here forever. I know I am young and I can always go back home to Leeds if I really can't bear it here. But then my head tells me (very reasonably, too) that I've got a job here (which, in itself, in the middle of an economic crisis seems like a miracle), that my family is here and I'm not friendless. My head tells me that I should at least try and see how my job goes. My head tells me that I haven't got enough money to go back to Leeds without finding a job there first. My head tells me that it's a silly thing to think about going back when it's only my heart that's breaking but not a single rational reason.

... peace like a river... never let your heart be troubled...

Declaration of War

I am going to keep fighting my demons and devils, I'm not going to give up just like that. Our Lady of Perpetual Help will keep looking at me (I'm going to have to find a poster or something of this icon to hang in my room, put on my desk, whatever it takes, as a reminder), and maybe, just maybe, her sad eyes will look at me one day without disappointment and with love instead. Her Son may turn away from me, and her face may tell me of her disgust for me, but at least she is still looking me in the eye, and I have to trust in her prayers for me.

Most of the times when I go to mass I feel like I'm not worthy to go to receive Christ, even though I've been to confession and am not in a state of mortal sin. But then I remind myself of what Fr Michael said to me in confession - do not give up, and especially do not give up going to receive Christ in the Eucharist and in the sacrament of confession, and trust in the grace of God to work in you through the sacraments. Last night at mass I looked at Our Lady, and when I saw this look of sorrow and sadness, and I felt so utterly unworthy, her eyes told me that giving up would not be the easy way out but only the easy way to hell. Screwtape is working ingeniously here - he lets me go to church and then tries to deny me all that matters - but with Our Lady's help I am not giving in to the temptation of my feelings. Even if I feel like I'm the least worthy person walking the face of the earth I will struggle on. I may fall, and I may get hurt, but her eyes will not cease to stare at me.

Turned away

Last night I thought I'd go to mass as it was the feast day of Ss John Fisher and Thomas More. To my surprise they had hung a huge icon of Our Lady with the child Jesus over the pulpit in Leeds cathedral (I've just found out that the icon is called 'Our Lady of Perpetual Help'). During the act of contrition at the beginning of mass I looked at Our Lady and she looked back at me ever so lovingly, and I thought it only right to ask her for her prayers. But then, only a moment later when the choir sang the Gloria, I looked at her again and suddenly her eyes didn't speak of love anymore, but of a deep sadness, and even of disappointment. And I knew it was my fault that she looked this way, she was disappointed by me. Her hands shielded her son from me, and He was even turning away in what seemed to be disgust. All through mass Our Lady's eyes looked at me, stared me to the ground.

This look sums up what has become of my faith over the last year - God does not speak to me anymore, He hears my prayers but turns away, and all I am left with is the sadness and disappointment in the eyes of Our Lady which seem to say 'I do feel sorry for you but, after all, it's your own fault, look at my son, even He, who died for you out of endless love, turns away'. Nevertheless, I have to trust in her prayers for me, and in those of all the saints and angels whom I invoke - I know she and St Salome and all the others in heaven are praying for me, and I sincerely hope they aren't praying in vain in the end.

I know that many of the great saints had times of spiritual darkness, long years when God hid Himself from them, and Fr Philip said it's a sign of sanctity to persevere through this darkness. But I'm not a saint and I doubt I ever will be. I am afraid of losing my faith, of giving up. How much longer will I have the strength to keep praying even though He will not answer, even though I'm not even sure He's listening?

Challenges?

I only just realised that I am bored.

I'm not speaking of that kind of boredom that one experiences when one has nothing to do for a day or even a week. I've got loads to do, and I'm certainly not bored in the sense that I don't know how to fill my days. No, I wouldn't mind at all if my days had 30 hours and my weeks 10 days.

I am ever so busy yet I am incredibly bored. Most of what I do is useful and nice, and if it's not nice then at least it's necessary. My boredom is of a nature that up until now I never realised existed. I am intellectually bored. I really need something to do, something to think, something that isn't easily solved, something that actually challenges me. I never thought I would be one of these career women who can't get high enough on their job. Well, I have just found out that I am one of these women who can't get enough. I don't care much about the money I'm paid as long as I can pay for my room but I do care about what I am doing. And doing something useful and good doesn't seem to be enough, not even close. I do like my job, don't get me wrong. But it's just not enough. It might fill my days but it doesn't fill my life.

I wonder what I could do... I'd like to work on some kind of intellectual project - preferably something for which I don't need massive amounts of books but it still should be a challenge. I'd also like to stick to something within the realms of theology. So far I've had a few ideas but nothing seems to be very practical or else doesn't seem too appealing to me. Well, I guess we'll see what I can come up with...

Accidental murder of a blog

Silly me. I've managed to kill my beloved blog. All you bloggers out there with several google accounts, hear my words: do not try and link your google accounts unless you know what you're doing. I didn't know what I was doing and now my blog is dead. Since I'm not God I can't resurrect it, either. Hence I created a whole new blog, this one, which looks just like the old one. Unfortunately, it'll still have to grow up... meaning I've got to start writing all over again. Ah well, I can't really complain, after all it's my very own fault. *bangs head on the wall*