Turned away

Last night I thought I'd go to mass as it was the feast day of Ss John Fisher and Thomas More. To my surprise they had hung a huge icon of Our Lady with the child Jesus over the pulpit in Leeds cathedral (I've just found out that the icon is called 'Our Lady of Perpetual Help'). During the act of contrition at the beginning of mass I looked at Our Lady and she looked back at me ever so lovingly, and I thought it only right to ask her for her prayers. But then, only a moment later when the choir sang the Gloria, I looked at her again and suddenly her eyes didn't speak of love anymore, but of a deep sadness, and even of disappointment. And I knew it was my fault that she looked this way, she was disappointed by me. Her hands shielded her son from me, and He was even turning away in what seemed to be disgust. All through mass Our Lady's eyes looked at me, stared me to the ground.

This look sums up what has become of my faith over the last year - God does not speak to me anymore, He hears my prayers but turns away, and all I am left with is the sadness and disappointment in the eyes of Our Lady which seem to say 'I do feel sorry for you but, after all, it's your own fault, look at my son, even He, who died for you out of endless love, turns away'. Nevertheless, I have to trust in her prayers for me, and in those of all the saints and angels whom I invoke - I know she and St Salome and all the others in heaven are praying for me, and I sincerely hope they aren't praying in vain in the end.

I know that many of the great saints had times of spiritual darkness, long years when God hid Himself from them, and Fr Philip said it's a sign of sanctity to persevere through this darkness. But I'm not a saint and I doubt I ever will be. I am afraid of losing my faith, of giving up. How much longer will I have the strength to keep praying even though He will not answer, even though I'm not even sure He's listening?