Declaration of War

I am going to keep fighting my demons and devils, I'm not going to give up just like that. Our Lady of Perpetual Help will keep looking at me (I'm going to have to find a poster or something of this icon to hang in my room, put on my desk, whatever it takes, as a reminder), and maybe, just maybe, her sad eyes will look at me one day without disappointment and with love instead. Her Son may turn away from me, and her face may tell me of her disgust for me, but at least she is still looking me in the eye, and I have to trust in her prayers for me.

Most of the times when I go to mass I feel like I'm not worthy to go to receive Christ, even though I've been to confession and am not in a state of mortal sin. But then I remind myself of what Fr Michael said to me in confession - do not give up, and especially do not give up going to receive Christ in the Eucharist and in the sacrament of confession, and trust in the grace of God to work in you through the sacraments. Last night at mass I looked at Our Lady, and when I saw this look of sorrow and sadness, and I felt so utterly unworthy, her eyes told me that giving up would not be the easy way out but only the easy way to hell. Screwtape is working ingeniously here - he lets me go to church and then tries to deny me all that matters - but with Our Lady's help I am not giving in to the temptation of my feelings. Even if I feel like I'm the least worthy person walking the face of the earth I will struggle on. I may fall, and I may get hurt, but her eyes will not cease to stare at me.