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Over the past week I have been listening to this beautiful song over and over again and I feel like it has become something like a prayer for me. This is what I yearn for, this peace which is just flowing in soft and calm waves; which is untroubled by anything - not because there is nothing to trouble it but because it is strong and big enough to take any troublesome intruder and immerse it into its calm and peace.
I have had to make some difficult decisions lately and I'm not sure I made the right ones.
I decided to stay in Germany and start my new job even though my heart is in Leeds and I would do anything to be able to go back there. But jobs are hard to get by and being a theologian makes the job hunt even harder.
Today I signed the contracts for my new flat and this somewhat brought it home that I'm not going back to Leeds any time soon. I feel like I finalised my fate, like I chose my own death. I know I sound pathetic... But everything inside me screams that this is wrong, that I should not be here. It is ripping my heart out to read about my friends in Leeds on facebook, and I try not to think about it, but at night my demons come back out into the open and I cry.
I know homesickness is one thing, and I know that I don't have to stay here forever. I know I am young and I can always go back home to Leeds if I really can't bear it here. But then my head tells me (very reasonably, too) that I've got a job here (which, in itself, in the middle of an economic crisis seems like a miracle), that my family is here and I'm not friendless. My head tells me that I should at least try and see how my job goes. My head tells me that I haven't got enough money to go back to Leeds without finding a job there first. My head tells me that it's a silly thing to think about going back when it's only my heart that's breaking but not a single rational reason.
... peace like a river... never let your heart be troubled...
